never stop dreaming.

confession #83 the only way i can have sex with my bf is when i’m on something.

i always feel so disgusted during and after. afterwards it’s guaranteed i won’t sleep and that i’ll cut and have an anxiety attack. i hate myself.

confession #82 i take my boyfriend for granted way too often. i’m so sorry.

confession #81 i don’t know why this time it’s so bad. every other time i was able to hide it.

confession #80 i’m terrified i’ll never be able to be “normal” about food.

confession #79 it honestly upsets me that the only time my family is “worried” about my “eating habits” is when i’m at a very low weight…this has been going on since i’ve been 8. just because i’m not always all bones doesn’t mean i’m better or okay.

then on the other hand, it makes me feel better that they only have to worry about it every so often.

confession #78 lately, i feel these breaks from reality. it’s almost as if i’m not me anymore.

confession #77 i’m terrified i’m literally losing my fucking mind.

confession #76 i’m so fucking paranoid. about EVERYTHING.

confession #75 every day i catch myself praying to a god i don’t even think i believe in over and over begging him to not let me fuck up my baby girl. i just want to wrap her in bubble wrap and not let the world hurt her but my biggest fear is that it’s not going to be the world that hurts her, it’s going to be me.

confession #74 lately i’ve been obsessed with getting engaged, i want a huge romantic proposal, with a fairytale wedding, and a like 2 story cottage like house in a small town with a picket fence a dog and twins.

but i’m not “that type of girl” i’m the one that doesn’t believe in marriage and knows fairytale endings aren’t real. and even if they were…i don’t deserve any of this. 

confession #73 when i was little (2 to around 6yrs old) i had night terrors. i would scratch at myself, pull at my hair, scream bloody murder, etc..the only person that could calm me down was my dad he would just hold me until they passed….now my night terrors are about how worthless i am and what a fuck up i am and instead of being vocal about them i keep silent…it’s not like he’s here to hold me until i calm down anyways so what else can i do.

confession #72 i’ve completely isolated myself, social settings are just too much for me to handle. i’m sorry.

confession #71 this weekend for one hour i told the boyfriend exactly what was running through my head…

about how that one bite of apple that  i kept down (because he asked me to try) i could literally feel it turning into fat everywhere, how i needed to cut, or go for a run, i even threw up in front of him (he wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom so i started purging in a bush, etc. all he did was hold me run his fingers through my hair and he kept repeating “you’re so beautiful and i’m so luck to have you”…..i can’t remember the let time i cried that hard of for that long.

confession #70 i think i dislocated my left hip about a week ago…it hasn’t stopped me from running for at least 3 hours a day.

confession #60 i think i might’vr talen too many [pills….i fell weird ad just idk.