never stop dreaming.

confession #69 i know that i’m underweight yet i also know that i’m fucking huge.

confession #68 i can’t even sit on my bed for too long because my but bone starts hurting after a few minutes…on my fucking bed.

confession #67 i want to recover. i’m too fat. i want to recover. i’m a fucking whale. i want to be normal. i don’t know how to be normal. i’m fucking disgusting.

confession #66 it used to be only certain situations were triggering…now, LIFE is triggering.

i wish i was a normal functioning 20 year old.

confession #65 since i was little up until when he finally left (i was around 18) my dad would beat me…black eyes, swollen ribs, everything imaginable thrown at me (shoes, music stands, once a tv, etc) i’ve never hated him for this because i still to this day think i deserved all of it.

confession #64 i disgust myself.

confession #62 i believe in some sort of “higher power” but i really wish i believed in God and had a strong relationship with him.

confession #61 i don’t deserve the wonderful people i have the privilege to call “my family”.

confession #60 my razor blade is being used almost daily again.

confession #59 the lows are getting so much more intense and so much longer…they last for days now.

confession #58 today i had to go to the movies with my aunt, sister and cousin…i ate 10 pieces of popcorn and a large black coffee…i purged into the empty coffee cup.

none  of them noticed.

confession #57 i honest to god get offended when i see pictures of food on my dash.

confession #56 when i need to purge but i haven’t eaten anything and purging water doesn’t help, i carve three lines on my hip and recarve “fat” and “worthless” it slows down the thoughts for just a second.

confession #55 if i miss 11:11 at night, the next day all i’m allowed is water.